More Heraldic Adventures

I am glad to say that my gaffe with the midwife was not the end of my Heraldic career. I continued to prove the truth of my observation about saying stupid things loudly for years!

The first really dumb thing I said was an affirmative to the question, "Are you doing to the Orange County Fair?" It is, like many such extravaganzas, a yearly celebration of nothing much in particular -characterized by lots of hoopla, incredible food. and moth-eaten carnival rides. I was a rookie- green enough to grow, and sublimely ignorant of the realities of my situation. In short, I had nary a clue. I should have gotten one, maybe when our local VIP who was wheelchair bound got the trots from something he ate, and had to leave the first day. Nope/ Then. the Lady who took over for him running our little reenactment passed the buck to me- She had a habit of saying stupid things too - like "We'll be fine. What can go wrong?" But, not being a Herald, she was able to whisper.

What could go wrong was that our VIPs turned into a mini-epidemic, our Canadian visitor who was underage spent all his food vouchers on beer, and the whole weekend violently expelling from either his upper or lower digestive tract, and a visiting VIP and entourage were on there way to complicate matters.
He was my superior, in SCA terms, and I was bound and determined to impress him. When he went anywhere in character, I rang my bell and announced in my loudest voice- "Make way! Way for the king's Herald! " Once everyone in the fair was heartily sick of both my imperious blowhard of a boss, his entourage, and that noisy kid with the freaking' bell, the stage was set for my next adventure in stupidity. We got food vouchers every day, which we were expected to turn in at food/drink vendors at the fair . Except the guy from Canada, the folks did pretty well- no one had any real complaints. Until, my aforementioned boss decided he wanted some ice cream from one of those little hand-dipped ice cream kiosks on the midway. I ran and got my bell, the folks lined up, and we made our noisy way to the stand.
I was busily collecting orders for flavors and desired toppings, figuring I would show the Big Guy how efficient I was - when a marvelous coincidence occurred to me. All of the women in our group had opted for chips and sprinkles and whatnot. The men on the other hand , had opted for peanuts and almonds and coconut, Almost before the glow of the light bulb faded, I said, in my clearest ringing tone "Hey! the girls are the ones without the nuts!" Above the guffaws, I heard my boss's voice. "Just discovered that, have we?"

I wish I could tell you that I learned from what went down in the unofficial annals of the Society as the Orange County Disaster, I really do.
Sadly this was not the case, More to follow...

I spent a pleasant lunch hour the other day with my friend Michael. He is a gentleman I met in the dayroom who can and does converse lucidly, even witily in English. One has only to look around this place to appreciate what a find he is!

I was telling him that I have, for 30+ years been a member of the Society for Creative Anachronisms. I am a Herald, responsible for matters of protocol, making announcements, and working out representative symbols with members- these are called devices, and decorate clothing, sheilds and items of clothing worn by members of this international Medieval Recreationist society. I explained my role to michael by saying that. not only did heralds say dumb things sometimes, they said them really LOUD! I remembered announcing a long, tedious introduction to some visiting VIP's . "Lord Such-n-Such of How's- Your =Father, and Lady Whosis...." It was hot, muggy, and no one was really listening. I made it through a long list of names, occaisonally stirring a little ripple of laughter when I mis-pronouced or mangled someone's name. (Hey, I was a rookie) One of the Ladies sailed by me dressed as a nun - "Sister Bernadette, " I announced in my biggest voice- the next lady did not offer a name . but an occupation. "and HER midwife" . A ripple of laughter became a roar- a very red faced herald disappeared toute suite!

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  I have one last article, which I hope will spark a discussion- what is the stupidest thing you have ever done with your clothes on? I had hard time choosing This question occurred to me while I was doing an Occupational Therapy exercise which involved standing up, taking clothespins from a box, adding them, one by one to a yardstick with alternating hands - to increase balance and muscle control. It is plenty stupid- but not a patch on the prise winner. The stupidest thing I ever did with my clothes on was taking a ride with a stranger one stormy night in Chicago. I was drenched, he was creepy. Stupidity. I got into the car and was not even surprised when he sailed past my turn off. "You're not in a hurry, are you?" he asked. Quick to inform him that I was :




• ln a BIG hurry




• NOT interested




• Prepared to jump out of the car and make my complaint heard in Municipal Court .

I was only wet and not dead or worse when he drove away.

See, I told you I was lucky! So, do, tell what's the stupidest thing You've done with your clothes on?